[00:00] Welcome to the Ziglar show. This is episode 464 and today we bring you Shaunti Feldhahn and we are gonna talk about kindness but not in the way you are thinking. This is a do the right thing discussion. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard University grad and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she uses her analytical skills to investigate life-changing truths about relationships. Her new, groundbreaking research-based book, “The Kindness Challenge – Thirty Days To Improve Any Relationship” delivers this evidence. But here is the statement from Shuanti and her book, I want you to here. It says, ‘Whether we thrive depends far more and how we treating others then how we ourselves are treated.’

[03:30] Tom Ziglar and I, Kevin Millar your host here, sat down on with Shaunti to discuss her new book, ‘The Kindness Challenge- Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship’. Honestly the title doesn’t give merit to how profound this book is. She is a researcher, this is about the test and studies and what they found out. It is not an opinion and it is not as I mentioned before. This is about us. Here we go, we are diving in.

[04:35] Well Shaunti you came recommended to us, you have to be Shaunti here on the Ziglar show and here you are, so thank you so much for giving us your time and message today. First we talk about the title of the book. The prospective you come up with is really interesting. Write a book about the benefits of kindness, the part of creating a challenge, you titled book, the Kindness Challenge, so I am curious to know what led you to do that.

[05:18] It is interesting as all my books are based on research. That is essentially really what I am. I am a social researcher. I try to dig in to the things that really matters in people’s life and their relationships. And one of the things that I have seen in numbers of years in studies that this thing can really make a difference in your life if you know what it is and it is kindness. But we already kind of think we are kind and so it is a little bit of shock, so we need a training to get there. So what I was testing is in this research was if you take groups of people and have them do this or that, you know do small little change in their life, what happens doesn’t change anything.

[08:05] Honestly, one of the main themes in all of that is all those big issues, I feel paralyzing is really not big and you could really think like how in the earth we could managed that thing. And it turns out that one of the common theme in all the research is often. It is because we are trying hard and we don’t realize that we are trying hard in the wrong areas.

[11:00] It is relevant what we are talking about today as most of us want a great life, we want a great relationship. We have never found people who says, you know I wanna be a jerk, you know we all want good relationship. It is just we are so tripped up with what we don’t know, we don’t realize that there these little areas of blindness and once our eyes are open and we see somebody’s thing that really matters but we don’t know. Once we know what it is, it actually very simple to apply that.

[13:15] When you are talking about need to be kind, here is what really comes down to, it comes down to three aspects of how you treat other people. Being kind means holding unkindness. And I realize you know I am serving people about the innermost thoughts, all that stuffs that we have inside and we talk about often and trying to get that what is under the surface of people and relationship and when you are trying and realized that the bottom line that you are thriving is far more co-related to how you are treating other people than how you are really treated.

[21:15] If people, they don’t set out to intentionally hurt you as much as they are dealing with something themselves. So if you had a mind set of you know like I have to be strong because I can’t tolerate to be going forward like this but also no body here is doing something to deserve that. So does that mind set help in how you approach that kind of challenge, how does this works?

[22:25] Here is the key about this. The mind set is absolutely crucial. I am not a psychologist, I am not a counsellor, I am sorted out as an analyst of wall street. So I don’t know about the psychological terms but I have seen in the research that there is called the positive override or negative override. It is like you are just in that mode that person just can’t do anything right anymore. And that process, that mindset is key to everything. Here is the problem is that we can’t necessarily force ourselves into a different mindset. You could change your actions and your mindset can still be in that way.

[28:45] Few points of what you said:

  • I love the fact that you are a researcher and not the psychiatrist or counsellor. You can say that this is what we found in the research.
  • Positive override and negative override

[30:53] The exercise action of this, it reminds me so often of the Ziglar self talk cards, because when we talk about the unkindness, I would say that I saw them ever speak about the unkindness out loud. So talk about some of the areas of culturally of kindness blindness. What are some of the biggies?

[32:26] There are seven areas that we tend to be negative, tend to be unkind and we just don’t realize it. We are not doing it intentionally. It is in the chapter 6 of my book. It is the most important chapter of the whole book. It entitled all and everybody has got the different one.

[36:08] What brought you to the devotion to this topic of kindness?

[36:15] Honestly, it was going back to all of the studies. I am going through all of the studies like study of men, study of women. But when I looked back to everything I realize that my job is really to identify the little things that has a big impact. People’s relationships have so many problems, their relationships don’t have to be that. I mean there is so much headache and so much trouble, that we don’t realize that we are bringing that by ourselves. We have no intention of doing it, we don’t even realize doing it by self blindness. And what an incredible thing if I can just pull out these little piece of information and once we realized that the kindness is one of those areas, that it could change everything.

[40:39] I just had a thought that just paradox of kindness in order to receive the kindness you have to give kindness without any expectation of receiving kindness.

[42:50] I pulled out from your book, you said, you have a big prospective on unkindness is in a relationship being kind to another makes us feel more loved and appreciated. It is another aspect because I think if I will be kind with others I will receive kindness in returns.

[45:05] I am gonna combine two thoughts that I have. One of them are not sharing negative thoughts in the 30-days exercise. It is very difficult. I wanna combine that issue with you talk little specifically about venting in the book. I literally got people saying me that you need to vent out, your kind of keep feelings inside you.

[49:47] We are talking about the everyday things, not always the real big ones. Then again put that and begin with kindness. So can we make it easier?

[52:07] We all love Marvel superhero movies; everybody wants the super power. We already been given super power. It’s called Kindness. And it is very super natural because what happens in this situation where somebody is mean, somebody is just destroying their lives, whatever it is, but you go with the strength of kindness. You see that this approach of caring, they may have the wall but it melts the walls. It melts their walls and touch their heart anyway, even if they don’t want their heart to be touched. Because kindness has their power.

[53:10] A couple of things just really stick on my mind.

  • Kindness is a choice that anyone can make.
  • Happiness comes out of creation. i.e. if we discipline ourselves to do what we should do. It allows us to create what our purpose is. It leads to happiness.

What really we are doing is we are creating this spiritual relationships bigger than some of the parts that flows the possibilities. The fact is that we can create something that we can imagine, simply by being kind.

[56:13] Go to jointhekindesschallenge.com, there are the videos of Shaunti, you can take assessments too.

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