[00:00] Welcome to The Ziglar Show. I’m your host, Kevin Miller, and this is episode 470. Today, Tom Ziglar and I bring you a show that will absolutely change your paradigm toward the opposite sex, and in that, is literally relevant to everyone. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book 12 years ago that, as of right this moment (I just checked) is ranked at #602 in all books in Amazon. That is ridiculous. The reason? It’s revelatory. The book is Love & Respect – The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.
[00:38] But the bigger point is it outlines a reality about men and women that we have all massively missed, and are all suffering from. And it doesn’t matter if you are married or in a relationship or not…I’m having my kids listen to this show.
[00:52] And hear me, please, even if you’ve read the book or been to a Love & Respect conference, I implore you, listen to this interview with Emerson. It’s flat-out profound. I nearly had difficulty conducting the interview, because I was a bit dumbstruck with some paradigms he just shattered. Here’s some quick inspiration from Zig, then we’ll get going.
[02:04] Hey, in Ziglar Show episode 378 we interviewed New York Times bestselling author Kevin Kruse, whose book, 15 Secrets Successful People Know About Time Management, significantly changed the way I work. Well, he’s launched a new podcast, LEADx, where he gets top leadership experts, CEOs, and Entrepreneurs to reveal their biggest failures and to give actionable advice that you can apply right away. If you want to accelerate your career and reach your full potential, the LEADx Show helps you to stand out and get ahead. Subscribe to the LEADx Show in Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. LEADx is a great way to start your day.
[02:46] OK, folks, real quick — if you don’t know Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, he’s an internationally-known public speaker on the topic of marriage, parenting, communication, and more. Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Eggerichs developed the Love and Respect Marriage Conference, which he presents to live audiences around the country. This dynamic and life-changing conference is impacting the world, resulting in the healing and restoration of countless relationships. Dr. Eggerichs has authored several books, including the national bestseller, Love and Respect, which is a New York Times bestseller, Platinum, and Book of the Year award-winner, and ha sold over 1.6 million copies.
[03:30] So, this January he released the Love & Respect 10-Week Study. If you go to Loveandrespect.com, you’ll find options for couples, small groups, or to just watch the 6.5 hour conference on your own time.
[03:51] Here is your primer before we start the interview:The message of Love and Respect has inspired many couples because of three discoveries that men and women make about themselves. There are three secrets hidden in plain sight, we might say, about male and female relationships. When the light bulb of illumination takes place, many exclaim, “How did I not see this, and why has no one told this to me before now?”
[04:17] My personal testimonial? I recently went on a five-day trip with my wife, Teri, to celebrate our 24th anniversary. So, we’re poolside in the sun with great music and beverages, and I…yes, me. A guy. A guy who does not enjoy getting into uncomfortable marriage discussions…asked her to listen to this recording with me. I love to punish myself physically, but emotionally and relationally, I’d rather have my toenails yanked out with pliers. But I did it. And we listened. And after…she wanted me to read the book to her, so I did, though we’d only get a few pages in and end up talking. We are still going through it today.
[05:13] No better testimonial. As a guy, I wanted to talk about it. As a woman, my wife wanted to also. I’m telling you…you’re about to be wowed. Here is Emerson:
[05:30] Emerson, I have known your name and the title of your book for many, many years. When our listeners recommended you for the show, I jumped on it. Thank you immensely for taking the time to be with us today!
[05:45] To set the stage, will you clarify the differences between love and respect? I think we all view them differently, but in a marriage relationship, it seems we could also lump them together. What are the differentiating factors?
[06:07] Well, to begin with we do take the position that love and respect are the two foundational ingredients for successful relationship. University of Washington said that we know the two ingredients of successful marriages and when these two ingredients are present, the marriage tends to succeed. And if these two are not there, the marriage tends to other directions. And to your question, are they not synonyms; wouldn’t we say they are the same? Well, we respect our boss but we don’t love our boss. So they are distinct even if there is crossover.
[08:23] You began the Love & Respect conferences in 1999, then the book was published in 2005, I believe. The book has, of course, become a classic in the arena of marriage, as have the conferences. I wonder, from back then to today, has your perspective on the core message evolved, or is it basically the same as the day you wrote it?
[08:49] No, it is pretty much the same. I think I’ve become wiser and I have better understanding. We feel about the issue of love and respect highly positive, highly energizing.
[10:02] Your main premise to start off is, you coined it the “Crazy Cycle.” “Without Love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love.”
[10:15] You cited that early on as a pastor. Counseling so many married couples, you found yourself sympathizing with the women and being irked at the guys. Yet, ultimately, you came to a conclusion that while in marriages we tend to give much attention to husbands loving wives, we seldom give focus to wives showing unconditional respect towards husbands. Yet I know you are not pointing a finger at wives. Will you reconcile this perspective for us?
[10:50] If it is all the guy’s fault, then woman is powerless. I wasn’t try to blame her, but to empower her.
[11:51] I am just an average reader, I read your book years ago and I listen to people all the time, I heard one individual, who I respect quite a lot, say the reason for successful marriage is 100% love; then, if one partner falls out of love, the responsibility of the other partner would be, like, okay, I understand it is over if it is only based on love. What should be the percentage of love and respect in marriage?
[14:00] With the 7,000 people asking the question, based on the research we found 83% of the men said that they feel disrespected. And 72% of the women said they feel unloved. So, that may be getting a little bit of that percentage. So Shaunti Feldhahn did a research and asked many questions to 400 men. There is one question which she asked me if we can ask this, and that question is, ‘Would you men rather be left alone and unloved in the world than to be adequate and disrespected by everyone?’” Almost 75% of the men said they would rather be left alone and unloved.
[17:10] Your book is in three parts, The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, and The Reward Cycle. It sounds like a recipe for hope, one of our favorite topics at Ziglar. Let’s start there, so everyone hears what’s in it for them if they take action on this message of Love & Respect:
[17:39] The Crazy Cycle is you put up without love; she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love. And that, based on the conflict — again, she needs ,respect, she needs love, but we just have to say to the person listening, you have to decide that place in the relationship.
[20:47] You make a distinction in your book between normal day-to-day interactions…and specific conflict. Is it the same, just more acute during conflict?
[21:17] We all have enormous conflicts. When I have honest differences of opinions, it doesn’t necessarily accelerate to crazy cycle, it has to be decoded. And one of the indicators, I would say, is when you see your spouse’s spirit deflate.
[27:00] As I read the stories in your book, I can relate…acutely. Honestly, my wife and I have recently been digging into our marriage because we’d allowed this issue of NOT showing love and NOT showing respect to gain a good foothold amongst the busyness of such a big family and so many endeavors. I had literally ordered your book even before you were recommended for our show. Something I’ve come to, and you speak loud and clear in your book to, is, well…when my wife is being respectful to me, it’s easy to be loving to her. When I’m loving to her, it’s easy for her to be respectful to me. The holy grail however, seems to be in the reality that we are humans and we’ll ultimately fail and, lo and behold, in a moment, I will find my bride acting towards me in a way that will in fact NOT be respectful. This is where the rubber hits the road. How do we prepare for this when it comes?
[28:53] So, if your wife decides to subscribe to the idea that the respect is unconditional and that she has the responsibility to show you positive regards, even though you failed and she expected you to be loving, you are gonna move forward very positively on this. We are up to this idea that the man must show the unconditional respect, no matter what, and the wife does not have to show respect if she feels that he has not earned it.
[40:25] So much of your book and the stories you relate has to do with misperceptions. We see, hear, and feel things from our spouse through our view, our perspective, our filter. While we can talk about trying to perceive from the other person’s perspective, that can often be difficult, if not nearly impossible, in any given situation and moment. But is that the effort? Or is it in an underlying trust and faith that your spouse is not against you, but for you…and always trusting their love and giving them the benefit of the doubt?
[41:41] The other thing we had to revisit, and in some areas visit for the first time…was HOW does Teri feel love? I, of course, tend to naturally love her in the manner that I feel love. And for Teri, what makes me feel respected? Is this a viable exercise to begin with?
[42:53] We have different needs over the years. There are different ways we begin to feel this. What you did with your wife is profound. I mean everyone should follow you as an example. It is tremendous that we ask the question that what make you feel loved, what make you feel respected, what would it cost you to feel respected and what would it cost you to feel disrespected? Of course, this is a very threatening question to ask. If two people are willing to revisit what you did with your wife in such a mature way, then we can move quite rapidly.
[47:42] Well, so much of what you are sharing here, am I correct that from a big picture standpoint, if we put both love and respect under the umbrella of CARE, that you are basically saying we need to respond in ways that are not natural? I want respect, so my natural response to my wife is from that perspective, giving respect. When in reality, she want’s love?
[49:31] We are gonna have this conflicts anyway. We use methods that we think are sending our message. So a husband is motivated to unwillingly disrespect his wife, and she is disrespectful, unmotivated to be loving. And what we have to realize is that you can’t be neutral on this.
[54:06] What I have is a famous Zig Ziglar quote, “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” So as a husband, I want respect so I give love to my wife, and vice-versa. His love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.
[58:10] The second quote, when I understood that my responsibility took my primary responsibility, my only responsibility to my wife is to create the environment that will allow her to become all that God created her to be.
[1:05:29] Ok, now I’m just gunning for free counsel, this is about me. On the topic of respect, it even goes beyond me being respected. I struggle with Teri speaking or acting disrespectful towards anyone. It sometimes grates me nearly as much as when it literally is directed at me. But in dwelling on that, I am pretty certain Teri feels the same with me regarding me being loving. If I am not acting in love to others, my kids especially, it may be every bit as damaging to her as when she is the focus of my lack of love. Is this just us, or am I hitting on a truth for others as well?
[1:08:42] What we have to do is challenge each other on how you are coming across here, and do we have the freedom to serve each other or there is only a point to judge each other and make the other one feel guilty? Or we can team up here and have each other’s back. And those two people who make that decision to have each other’s back, you talk about the wisdom that comes to the relationship, the influence that they have on other people and the family unit; but when husband and wife, father and mother, begin to attack each other, these things make everything a mess.
[1:10:05] I assume your desire is for spouses to come together and pursue this methodology of love and respect together. But will you speak to those who may feel they are in a one-sided relationship, and they must embark on this solo?
[1:10:36] This becomes the question always, whether this works if my spouse becomes unresponsive. If a person is having an affair, you know there is a betrayal going on and there are serious situations. So I understand that there are certain situations out there that are problematic. But before we conclude that my spouse is unwilling, one of the thing I say to people over the last so many months, have you spoken to your husband in ways that will disrespect him? Maybe he deserve disrespect, but have you communicated in a way that is disrespectful? And women said yes, I had. I say, Let’s shift this a little bit. Let’s begin to communicate in a way that feels respectful.”
[1:16:40] Well, folks, we are right at the end of our time…and we had a technical difficulty that we just ended with. Or…we’re assuming it was a divine happening that left you hanging just a tad, and extra hungry to go to Loveandrespect.com and get the book and new workbook, at least go sign up to Emerson’s email list, as I have.
[1:17:00] I hope you share this with your significant other, or study it in preparation for a significant other…I hope you share it with other couples, and let any young man or woman get filled on this SOONER than LATER. And, friends, thank you for being with me as we walk together, Inspiring our True Performance! I’ll talk with you in the next Ziglar Show.